This is an excerpt from the International Book Award-Winning Finalist "Sexy at Sixty: Live Well & Happy Men & Women over Fifty!"
Summer had arrived and the woman couldn't wait to hop into her favorite shorts. She pulled them out of storage, and slipped them on. She grabbed the zipper and began to zip the pants up over her lower belly. She zipped them part way up, and they wouldn't go any further. If she tried to close the fastener, it only pushed the upper belly fat upward into a muffin top and made things worse.
"Hoh!" she exclaimed with frustration to her husband. "When did this happen?"
The man knew that he was treading on dangerous ground. He answered cautiously, "I suppose it happened over the winter." He shrugged his shoulders at her to indicate he really didn't know.
"Do you think I have a big belly?" She asked him and glared at him with anger.
"I'm not going to answer that question. It's a trick question, and I'll never get the answer right. I suppose the next thing you're going to ask me is about your butt," he said calmly with a smirk.
She snapped at him with exasperation, "What am I going to do about this?" She pressed her lips together in a thin line, and peevishly stared at her husband.
"I'm getting out of here while the gettin' is good!" The mad said hastily and hustled out of the dressing room without another word.
The woman removed the shorts, and examined her image in the mirror. She was in postmenopause and she had just turned sixty years old. It appeared that things had shifted a bit. Her normally muscular arms and legs appeared thinner than before, and her waist was obviously bigger.
She slammed the shorts on the floor with temper, and hollered loud enough for her husband to hear her downstairs, "I refuse to buy a larger size!"
She stomped on the shorts with her foot, and kicked them against the wall. The man could hear her hissy fit all the way downstairs in his office. He casually walked to the pantry, took out the calcium-magnesium-zinc bottle, extracted a pill from the bottle, and walked back upstairs with it. He handed her a glass of water, and the magical little pill, which he knew would calm her down.
"Here, take this," he said as he handed her the water and pill. "Growing older is definitely not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of courage. Try not to worry about it."
"Well, you're going to worry about it if I have to buy all new summer clothes!" The woman squalled at him. He hugged her briefly, and she shoved him away from her.
He knew it would take a while for the calcium-magnesium-zinc to do its job, and so he simply said, "You'll figure it out," and retreated.
"Hoh!" she shrieked as she slammed her arms down and stomped her foot. The dogs erupted with barking at her and the commotion she created.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Bushwhacked
This is an excerpt from the International Book Award-Winning Finalist, Common Sense- Listening to the Spirit:
Lilia walked down the hotel hallway, and surveyed both directions for unwanted guests. She quickly entered the housekeeper's closet and closed the door. She removed her clothes, pulled the spray tan out of her pocket, and sprayed her face, neck, arms, and legs. Next, she drew dark eyebrows over her fair ones, and donned a pair of black-rimmed glasses. She added bright red lipstick, and made her lips look bigger by going outside the lines. Lastly, she pulled on a black wig cut bluntly to the end of her chin. She dressed in the housekeeper's dress and apron, her white sensible shoes, donned cleaning gloves, and then merrily pushed the cart out of the closet.
She hummed and giggled to herself until she arrived at the hotel suite she shared with her security team. She removed the "Do Not Disturb" sign that Bill had hung on the door the night before, tucked it out of sight in her cart, and gingerly opened the door with her own key. She hummed in a high nasal pitch, which gave the impression that maybe she had learned music in another country.
The housekeeper made her way to Jim and Bill's room where each man slept soundly in a queen-size bed. The housekeeper crossed to Jim's side of the room, yanked the blankets off Jim, grabbed the bottom sheet, and pulled up hard. Jim rolled off the bed right onto the floor. Thump!
Caught totally off his guard, he said in his startled state, "What the heck?" He looked up at the housekeeper and wanted to chastise her, but he held his tongue in deference to another person's feelings.
"I clean room now," she said as she hummed in a high nasal pitch.
She quickly removed all the sheets and blankets and remade Jim's bed with fresh sheets. She flapped them around the bed in an exaggerated manner. He continued to sit on the floor and stare at her completely confounded. When she headed for the sleeping Bill, Jim began to burble with laughter. She yanked the blankets off Bill, grabbed the bottom sheet, and pulled up hard. She rolled him onto the floor. Thump! Jim burst forth with laughter and threw his head back with the effort.
Bill woke up suddenly, "What the hey?" He looked up in perplexed astonishment at the housekeeper, and he too thought he should hold his tongue.
"I clean room now," she said. She hummed in a high nasal pitch and busily made Bill's bed with the same exaggerated movement that she had employed for Jim's bed.
Bill gazed bewildered at Jim, who sat on the floor on the other side of the room and laughed his head off. "I know I put out the 'Do Not Disturb' sign, Jim," Bill said with sincerity.
"Maybe you forgot," chuckled Jim. He laughed and smirked back at Bill.
Bill watched the housekeeper, stunned, and didn't know what to do next. The housekeeper finished Bill's bed, patted the pillows into place, and then hummed her way to the bathroom.
"I really need to go in there, Bill. What am I going to do?" asked Jim, who was rattled, engaged in laughter, and needy at the same time.
Bill chuckled and recognized Jim's predicament, "I guess you're going to have to hold it until she's finished in there, Jim."
Jim listened to the sound of running water in the bathroom and his urgency became acute. He jumped up off the floor and hurriedly ran to Kimo and Derek's room where he dashed into the bathroom.
"A-h-h-h-h-h!" he sighed with relief.
When he had finished, he sneaked back to his room. The housekeeper buzzed around Bill, who continued to sit on the floor and bounce with laughter, engaged in one of his hysterical laughing fits.
The housekeeper dusted all the furniture quickly and efficiently. She pulled out a wet cloth and announced, "Dirt behind your ears." She pulled out Bill's ear, rubbed the cloth up and down, and then showed the dirty cloth to him. "You live in barn?" she asked in an accusing tone.
Jim burst forth in laughter again, "As a matter of fact, he does!"He sat down in the empty chair, roared with laughter, and slapped his thighs.
When the housekeeper finished their room, she headed for Kimo and Derek's room, as if she were a living automaton. Jim and Bill quickly jumped up to see what would happen next.
"This oughta' be good," guffawed Bill, who had become almost completely out of breath with laughter.
Lilia walked down the hotel hallway, and surveyed both directions for unwanted guests. She quickly entered the housekeeper's closet and closed the door. She removed her clothes, pulled the spray tan out of her pocket, and sprayed her face, neck, arms, and legs. Next, she drew dark eyebrows over her fair ones, and donned a pair of black-rimmed glasses. She added bright red lipstick, and made her lips look bigger by going outside the lines. Lastly, she pulled on a black wig cut bluntly to the end of her chin. She dressed in the housekeeper's dress and apron, her white sensible shoes, donned cleaning gloves, and then merrily pushed the cart out of the closet.
She hummed and giggled to herself until she arrived at the hotel suite she shared with her security team. She removed the "Do Not Disturb" sign that Bill had hung on the door the night before, tucked it out of sight in her cart, and gingerly opened the door with her own key. She hummed in a high nasal pitch, which gave the impression that maybe she had learned music in another country.
The housekeeper made her way to Jim and Bill's room where each man slept soundly in a queen-size bed. The housekeeper crossed to Jim's side of the room, yanked the blankets off Jim, grabbed the bottom sheet, and pulled up hard. Jim rolled off the bed right onto the floor. Thump!
Caught totally off his guard, he said in his startled state, "What the heck?" He looked up at the housekeeper and wanted to chastise her, but he held his tongue in deference to another person's feelings.
"I clean room now," she said as she hummed in a high nasal pitch.
She quickly removed all the sheets and blankets and remade Jim's bed with fresh sheets. She flapped them around the bed in an exaggerated manner. He continued to sit on the floor and stare at her completely confounded. When she headed for the sleeping Bill, Jim began to burble with laughter. She yanked the blankets off Bill, grabbed the bottom sheet, and pulled up hard. She rolled him onto the floor. Thump! Jim burst forth with laughter and threw his head back with the effort.
Bill woke up suddenly, "What the hey?" He looked up in perplexed astonishment at the housekeeper, and he too thought he should hold his tongue.
"I clean room now," she said. She hummed in a high nasal pitch and busily made Bill's bed with the same exaggerated movement that she had employed for Jim's bed.
Bill gazed bewildered at Jim, who sat on the floor on the other side of the room and laughed his head off. "I know I put out the 'Do Not Disturb' sign, Jim," Bill said with sincerity.
"Maybe you forgot," chuckled Jim. He laughed and smirked back at Bill.
Bill watched the housekeeper, stunned, and didn't know what to do next. The housekeeper finished Bill's bed, patted the pillows into place, and then hummed her way to the bathroom.
"I really need to go in there, Bill. What am I going to do?" asked Jim, who was rattled, engaged in laughter, and needy at the same time.
Bill chuckled and recognized Jim's predicament, "I guess you're going to have to hold it until she's finished in there, Jim."
Jim listened to the sound of running water in the bathroom and his urgency became acute. He jumped up off the floor and hurriedly ran to Kimo and Derek's room where he dashed into the bathroom.
"A-h-h-h-h-h!" he sighed with relief.
When he had finished, he sneaked back to his room. The housekeeper buzzed around Bill, who continued to sit on the floor and bounce with laughter, engaged in one of his hysterical laughing fits.
The housekeeper dusted all the furniture quickly and efficiently. She pulled out a wet cloth and announced, "Dirt behind your ears." She pulled out Bill's ear, rubbed the cloth up and down, and then showed the dirty cloth to him. "You live in barn?" she asked in an accusing tone.
Jim burst forth in laughter again, "As a matter of fact, he does!"He sat down in the empty chair, roared with laughter, and slapped his thighs.
When the housekeeper finished their room, she headed for Kimo and Derek's room, as if she were a living automaton. Jim and Bill quickly jumped up to see what would happen next.
"This oughta' be good," guffawed Bill, who had become almost completely out of breath with laughter.
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